Not Comparing Myself to Myself

I notice as I start feeling better, I add more good things in. When depression is going on, I’m not able to do much, but I don’t get worked up about it anymore. I tend to tell myself it will get done when it gets done. Whatever it is. I tend to set a goal of one thing on those days. It might just be “take care of the kids the best you can”. Which really isn’t a just, but in the list of things I can do in a day, it’s pretty short. This week is an awesome

Week, by contrast, and I’ve been cleaning and organizing the house, cooking meals, practicing at Shanteel everyday, and running errands during the day. A bad week tends to find me sleeping, making sandwiches or leftovers for dinner, and helping with the kids as best I can. Yoga practice tends to be forward folds all day (great for depression) and lots of yoga nidra. It works.

With this being a good week, I’m refocusing on diet. I can only add things in when I can focus, and depression makes it really hard to focus. I started intermittent fasting last week – no eating past 7:00 PM, and smoothies for breakfast (I never eat breakfast) to cut down on coffee and start the day with a vitamin boost. I’m making sure I’m taking all my vitamins because they make suuuch a difference in moods. But again, shit like this is hard when it is. I’m eating Buddha bowls again, and I’m cutting back on cheese and meat. I genuinely don’t like how addicted to cheese I am.

The biggest difference is I trust myself now. I don’t stress if I don’t get to Shanteel, because I know I’ll go back. I don’t stress that I didn’t do anything, because I trust I will. There’s so much less fighting that way and I bounce back so much more quickly. I am getting away from comparing for any other reason then reporting symptoms to my doctor. It doesn’t matter what I did yesterday in context of today. Yesterday, I did a lot, but that doesn’t mean today I have to. I’m not in competition with myself or anyone anymore. Today is a day, and when I can look at each day With fresh eyes, it’s like a whole new level of freedom.

I use the good times to build habits I can lean on in the opposite times. The simple things like basic hygiene can be challenging on days I don’t even want to get out of bed. So, I try to simplify everything then. I take really good care of myself when I can and assume it balances out when I can’t. The end.

Sometimes, it gets frustrating watching these fluxes. I wonder what my kids think

When they watch me go from Supermom to ZombieMom. But I remind myself: what if any of them grow up with similar struggles? Do I want to teach them to criticize and judge themselves? Or do I want to show them

Acceptance and love no matter what? No one is the same day to day, we just tell ourselves that and hold ourselves to standards that don’t actually exist anywhere besides our minds.

It’s amazing how comfortable it is when the good times and the bad times aren’t that big of a deal. The amount of energy I’d waste hiding the symptoms, escaping the symptoms, or lying to myself… I actually can do so much more now just from saving that energy and being myself As I am that day Being comfortable in your own skin and mind is a freedom that so few can enjoy. With or without mental illness.

Advertisements

Unmold Your Soul

They broke the mold when they made me

They broke it with you too

In truth, we’re all too grand to be

Something common and mass produced

For we are all unfettered

Unbounded and

Unrestrained

None of us have limits,

We imagine our binding chains

‘We were born to love and laugh here

To live our lives un-refrained

Yet years go by with programs

The shoulds and woulds we all are trained

Forgetting our one true nature

As we slowly lose our game

Forcing ourselves into molds now

Hiding beauty behind shame

Trading our unique and irreplaceable

For Barbie and Ken doll fame

We can never make our mark here

If we keep repeating these insane tasks

We subvert to the opinions of others

As we quickly don our masks

Worrying more of family and friends here

We’ve confused their beginnings with our ends

Our focus squandered on fitting in molds

Whitewashing away our rainbow souls

Too confused to see the truth made whole

Blinded to the beauty which we each hold

We have forgotten to look within

We keep repeating our Original Sin

We must escape these noisy liars

We will never quite fit in

Stop listening to others,

Hear your own voice instead

You are more than just your body

You are more than all they’ve said

You are more than all the programs

Running inside your pretty head

Just take a moment and muse here,

A pause from the living dead

If our bodies can’t contain us,

Why are you forcing it to?

If they broke the mold when they made us,

Why hide the way you do?

If there is no mold to restrain us,

When will you be your truth?

edd7ee89ce3d4e0b20c65f036d7a353b51b4e8c2196d63b1c5c323777186ccf8

Enjoying what you’re reading? Let’s connect on all social media, I post haiku’s and random ramblings on my other sites too!

Daina (OurBeautifulLies)- WordPress, My personal FB, OBL Blog Page on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, OBL YouTube Channel

Phases of the Tide

Loved this. Check out some beautiful poetry

A Writer's Soul

Billows of you left in the aftermath of the tidal wave,
The one that crept up on me,
Though it was so, so obvious,
(You were never silent, colliding into me with such force I fell deeper into the twist and tides of you)
How could I not notice the current that would drag me under,
The salt blinding me, the brine running through my lungs,
The wave that crashed into me and dragged me under?

My eyes only gazing above at the glassy surface,
Refracted, fluxing on the illusions that danced around me,
How could someone miss that?
How could I let that deep, deep blue of your soul take me under
Those eyes that would drown me?

Your love was like the ocean tides,
Coming and going,
Changing with the face of the moon,
Never staying long enough for me to hold you in my hands.
Captured you…

View original post 144 more words

Dappled shadows

❤️ everyone should check out Yassy’s poetry. She leaves me
Breathless!

yaskhan

On soundless feet, he stalks his prey
Camouflage gives reinforcement
Environment helps him slay
Blessed with a regal endorsement
With cracking roar makes his statement.

Undisputed king of his terrain
Predator that should not be enchained
From illegal poaching abstain
Their survival major campaign
To preserve, conserve and sustain.


#dizain

View original post

🌹🖊 Your Words To Me❤️📝

Beautiful love poem. Enjoy!

BRAIN FREEZE

We don’t need eyes to love. We need a heart. ~S.S~❤️We communicate with our hearts, as we perambulate hand and hand through time. Your love penetrates my body and soul, while your beauty and words invade my mind.

A poem is a beautiful building, each word is a brick you see? Each time you speak your poetic verses, you’re constructing a Heavenly castle for me.

Your words hypnotized me daily, but a prisoner I will never be. The love you have is constantly forming a key, that is always setting me free.

I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak. I lose all control and something takes over me. In a daze and it’s so amazing, it’s no phase. I want you to stay with me, by my side. I swallow my pride, your love is so sweet. It knocks me right off of my…

View original post 205 more words

Kissing phantoms

Beautiful poetry. Breathtaking.

TheFeatheredSleep

tumblr_od3mn2blAn1v2yhvzo1_540

I saved an eyelash of yours

grew it from seed in a

blue-bottle

at first the greenhouse huffed and curdled

not used to cultivating such delicate wings

till I put you beneath my mattress

soggy with tears morning dew

you see, I had become

a cocoon again

needing no more than

one drop of rain on my

sewn together eyelids

scalded from rubbing

you see, I had thrifted

the parts of me that had

touched you the most

so I did not have to be reminded

why my hands stayed trembling

on countertops or reached

at night into marjoram dark

why my lips were chaffed and sore

from kissing phantoms

better then, to return to wax

bury the hatchet

and ones history

in somnolent earth

smelling of tea bags and bird feathers

ear wigs and lady bird nail polish

your smile

caught winking through amber sun

your convex toes

wriggling…

View original post 91 more words

Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend

From the archives, written December, 2017

Swimming in her obsidian

Or did you drown in Apache tears?

Shrinking with the inkling his jade eyes betrayed their nature

He was layered like the agate, merely aggregate of nurture

Poring over her peridot, her ignorance now opaque

With spirits so poor, a natural pour

Ruby sweet red in amethyst glass

No blood to draw from hematite bone

No innocent man to cast the first stone

Starseed Song

This poem was inspired by the painting (featured image and below) Starseed, by the incredibly, divinely talented Ms. Rachel Walters (link to her insta, where you can see more of her art) Video with art and spoken recording to come out soon!

40285180_600493733685971_1545196875093639168_n

In the perfection of you, hides the perfection of me

Our ties that unwind to infinite creativity

Set me ablaze with your kisses of creation

Inspire me with the bond transcending illusory limitation

Take me in your arms and bare the truth of your soul

Ignite me with flames, our truth makes us whole

Step by step, we create life

Side by side, we soar above strife

Word by word, we build or destroy

Day by night, our lives are for joy

Who needs this struggle?

Who wants this pain?

How many times can we repeat this refrain?

Let passion consume us, my dear

Let our flames burn away this old fear

The dawn of tomorrow is in our hearts’ quickening beat

The night of the past does not need to repeat

Swim in the oceans behind my eyes

How long will you drown in this matrix reprise?

Hear me whisper inside your heart

We were never intended to be torn apart

Our power as one

We can bring this whole mess undone

Take me, I’m yours, today and all tomorrows

I’ll show you eternity beyond your make-believe sorrows

Together, we will weave this

Strand by strand, we will be bliss

Spiders’ webs grow line by line

Manifesting dreams with silken divine

Don’t slow, my love, don’t delay

Hear my song, and undo your soul’s decay

Can’t you see we were made for divinity?

Can’t you hear our heartbeats’ infinity?

With a kiss on my lips, forever and a second eclipse

Our lives are beyond dreaming

But you can’t hear the chorus repeating…

Step by step, we create life

Side by side, we soar above strife

Word by word, we build or destroy

Day by night, our lives are for joy

Who needs this struggle?

Who wants this pain?

How many times can we repeat this refrain?

There is only one song to know

The truth that only love can show

Our hearts will always beat as one

I am the moon

To your fire-y sun

But my love, please awaken

Allow the life you lie to be shaken

Come to me, my one true love

Together, we create below as above

We live in the space where stars do not die

Blinded from truth, you see a dark painted sky

We love in the space where our hearts stop beating

Transcending this place of empty words repeating

The birth of our rhythm, is where you find heaven

Come into my ocean, become one with this flow

Come into my skies, there’s no place you can’t go

Can you hear the music of us?

Beyond time, we can let this world rust.

Our harmonious perfection

We sing with Gods’ inflection

Everything is possible when I look in your eyes

My fears and worries are all that can die

In your arms, I am stardust

The beginnings of dawn

The breath of creation

Far beyond harm

We need none of this outside

It all begins inside

The space between inhale

The gap of our exhale

Take me I’m yours

But only if you see

Together we weave our soul’s divinity

Enjoying what you see? Here’s all social media links, let’s connect!

Daina (OurBeautifulLies)- WordPress, My personal FB, OBL Blog Page on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, OBL YouTube Channel

Rachel – Instagram

Liars Have Bad Breath

From the archives… this was written January, 2017 about two weeks before I lost my pretty little mind.

I curled up on you today

The driest of tears rained down from my eyes

My smile held captive in a tangled web of lies

My arms cradle nothing as I had expected

When chemistry leaves truths continuously rejected

Love unrequited is a poisonous draught

I curled up on you and begged

I pleaded for reason to reign over my guise

I bartered my kisses and opened my thighs

I talked myself in circles, until the beginning grew near

I talked myself in a corner, shame leaves me here

Love is a lie leaving oceans of drought

I curled up on you and sighed

My dunce cap remains, smiling clown will reprise

Shouting silent lamentations, my demise

The flaws and the foibles are never accepted

The dog that you kick is forever dejected

Love is salt water, when I crave a draught

I curled up on you and lied

I love you, I love you, I always will

Until my broken heart is still

Return to Sender

You

You constipated my tear ducts

And I

I just want to cry

You are the stinging in my eyes

And I

I am just a thorn in our sides

My tears have been deserted

Nothing where everything once was

I could scream I miss you

I wish I could feel the lips that kiss you

I don’t know who you are

I didn’t even know the truth of me

Until I felt the dark side of you

My other half of misery

Waking nightmare, blinded dream come true

I have said goodbye

I have begged hello

Your reflection in my mirror

My regret for not seeing you clearer

Ever in this present

A ghost in my flesh undressed

My remnant soul redressed

I

I asked why

Choking through tears

until my breath died

Deaf to the truth I denied

There is no end of why

No end to the beginnings

of these tears I cannot cry

I’ve let go, I’ve clung tight

I can’t … I can’t … make us right

Wrapped in our illusion

Too warped to see allusion

That I brought you here to break me

I needed you to make me

I was too numb to feel me

And you’re too dumb to heal me

In place of the kiss, your flame burnt me

Left with the bliss of your deserting me

Unrequited gifts of my pound of flesh

Gifted with all my wrappings of lies

You took and took with a closed fist

And I stayed blind through the tears I cried

I gave thinking how I’d receive

An Indian Giver of my own disease

You’re the twin to my destruction

The twin to my dark truth

The stinging tears that blind me

The granter of my wishes

As long as they are bleeding

The flame that wants to burn me

As I keep wishing to earn you

The flame just won’t die

I

I see it all

Blind though I may be

I don’t know how or why

to stop the stinging in my eyes

The desperation of needing to cry

With the whisper of a hope to say

Goodbye

To a ghost wrapped in my flesh

You’re so deep inside me

The shadow in my dawn

You came to me to wake me

But I can’t seem to shake you

I blindly stumble through yesterday

The good, the bad, I’ve lost count

I feel you when I can’t see you

I hear you when I can’t be near you

And still I

I don’t know how or why

I can’t stop the stinging in my eyes

The choking desperation of a hope

to say

Goodbye