A New Mother’s Day

It took becoming a mom to teach me about unconditional love. Somewhere along the line, I became convinced no one could possibly love me. Even as a mom, I felt so undeserving of my family for so long. I would constantly push myself to insane extremes to be the best mom because the truth was I didn’t feel like I was good enough to be a mom. To be anything. This constant belief I was a failure, terrible person, etc etc plagued me. My 20s and early 30s were a constant battle of running to and from this belief. I had to prove to myself I deserved this, yet never succeeded. Happiness was in the next milestone.

Thoughts will dictate your reality. They become self fulfilling prophecies. I’ve ruined my life so many times in 2 decades. Yet that’s not true, because I’m here.

What kept me here was them. My kids. Because I knew deep down if I could love them as much as I do, then I cannot possibly be as awful as I think I am. It was learning to treat myself like I treat my kids that taught me to love myself. I don’t go around berating them for every mistake or lording decades of unforgiven crap. I ask them more often than not what can they learn or how can they make better choices. They’re not perfect and so neither can I be. If I screw up, if they screw up, it’s learning.

The most incredible freedom and peace come when you just stop hating yourself and calling it everything else. I wasn’t a perfectionist, I was a masochist. I wasn’t anything but self loathing. And deep down, I was terrified I was teaching them.

I could hate myself for everything, or I could see how much the kids have learned in our journey. They see love in action. That love is not perfect or happy all the time. Love is a never ending series of choices. It’s learning to be human together. Love is there no matter what.

The coolest feeling on this Mother’s Day is feeling the kids love for me, feeling so much love around me, and feeling love within me. I can’t honestly say I’ve felt this way before. There is a peace that I cannot describe. I don’t see my failures, I see growth, I see love and I feel joy. I know I set an example for them, and now I feel like I am a good example of loving yourself – maybe even to the point you finally just don’t give a shit what anyone has to say or think about you.

Being a mom is a journey to yourself. That might sound odd, but we all learn from our relationships and the most profound relationship anyone can experience is raising a child. There is a love that is so transformative, it changes everything. Suddenly the flaws, problems, mistakes, etc take on a whole new depth and real ness. Before, you were just screwing up your own life, now you could screw up someone else’s. I think so many of us try to be perfect, only to realize we’re losing our minds – worse yet – our souls. We forget who we are in light of all the things we want for them. We don’t want them to hurt like us or make our mistakes. Then, you start to see the reality of yourself. You see how much love you have, and hopefully for most you start giving yourself that love. Because you know you’re teaching them. And you want to teach them how to love themselves. And words aren’t good enough. I watch them grow as much as I see me grow. I teach them all the music that has changed my life, I show themAll the things that heal me. We all know letting things go is one of the biggest challenges in life, and no more poignant reminder exists than knowing you’ll have to let them go one day, as they become adults. And knowing I can’t make them happy, I can only teach by example, has let me let go of so much and just experience the beautiful journey of being mom. Everyone does their best everyday. And love and compassion are what makes us all our best. It took becoming a mom to teach me that, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.Being a mom is a journey to yourself. That might sound odd, but we all learn from our relationships and the most profound relationship anyone can experience is raising a child. There is a love that is so transformative, it changes everything. Suddenly the flaws, problems, mistakes, etc take on a whole new depth and real ness. Before, you were just screwing up your own life, now you could screw up someone else’s. I think so many of us try to be perfect, only to realize we’re losing our minds – worse yet – our souls. We forget who we are in light of all the things we want for them. We don’t want them to hurt like us or make our mistakes. Then, you start to see the reality of yourself. You see how much love you have, and hopefully for most you start giving yourself that love. Because you know you’re teaching them. And you want to teach them how to love themselves. And words aren’t good enough. I watch them grow as much as I see me grow. I teach them all the music that has changed my life, I show themAll the things that heal me. We all know letting things go is one of the biggest challenges in life, and no more poignant reminder exists than knowing you’ll have to let them go one day, as they become adults. And knowing I can’t make them happy, I can only teach by example, has let me let go of so much and just experience the beautiful journey of being mom. Everyone does their best everyday. And love and compassion are what makes us all our best. It took becoming a mom to teach me that, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.I am so incredibly blessed to have the best teachers in the world showing me the wisdom of life and love. My children. Being their mother is tough! Being patient is tough! Feeling overwhelmed and outnumbered is tough! Loving them no matter their behavior, choices, etc is easy. And the same is now true for me. So thank you to them, thank you to the people who are walking this journey with me. Thank you to Evan, who has been there for me in the darkest of times. Thank you to all the moms who came before me. Thank you to my mom.

Strong women raise strong families. Women teach and nurture their families and lead by their example of love. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by so many strong women, and if you don’t think that’s you, look around at all the lives you affect and remind yourself it is. And if you’re a dude, switch the genders 😊😉❤️

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14 thoughts on “A New Mother’s Day

    1. Girlie, just remember the down days make us appreciate the good days. I see your kids, your writing about them, and you are a wonderful example and mother to them! Your honesty alone is incredible. How many people could even say that they wished they could have it for themselves? Nowadays it’s cookie cutter lives and cookie cutter moms with hidden problems and big smiles. Your ability to be authentic and real is love itself. Its love in action. You being honest with yourself is amazing. Just knowing you’re having a down day? God I used to pile on more activities and to dos on my down days because I needed to quit my bitching and stop this bullshit. They weren’t depression or even feeling like crap, that was a call to beat myself like a slow horse.

      ❤️❤️just remember: what you see in others is a reflection of you. And that is a beautiful, loving, real, authentic, incredibly strong woman and momma. It doesn’t get any better than that. So so so much love to you!!!! You got this!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you sweet friend. I’m just having a pity party for one. The kidlet told me yesterday she’s never been genuinely happy. Like ever. She hid it so well. I’m replaying the past. Wondering how I missed it? Of course now I realize there was nothing I could have done. No need to obsess about catching “it” early when her black dog has been there her whole life. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree. The guilt is overwhelming. A genetic lottery from hell. Medication numbs. She feels empty. I’m unmedicated and only feel sad. No real decent sleep in the last few days. The pain has turned physical. Sorry for dumping this here. Your words are beautiful and bring me peace. Let’s get back to that. Only forward.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. ❤️❤️I am happy to hear you. You’re not alone and sometimes our brains want us to believe that’s not the case. You know, I’m sure, in your own path how difficult it is to see depression in another. Especially if it wants to hide. My oldest is diagnosed with pretty bad anxiety. I have been telling myself this, and maybe this will help you too: thank God I am his mother, then. I know what it has done to me. I know how I have battled. I understand what he is going through and I can teach by example how to get through it. I can not choose happiness for him, but I can always be there for him. I can hold his hand in this rocky path and he won’t be alone. Most of us as parents didn’t really have this growing up, because mental health was not really anything we talked about. But now, we are raising reflections of our childhood with the wisdom and knowledge of our own pain. He is going to hurt. Your children will hurt. It’s our journey. Were born into this world screaming and crying. We can’t stop that. But we can be a light in the darkness. And the best way to do it is to be a light for ourselves.

        If medication is not good for you guys, look into supplements. Fish oil, magnesium, b12, and turmeric have helped me so much. Meditation and yoga of course too. Epsom salt baths are a great source of magnesium and a hell of a way to relax and unwind.

        Your kids are lucky to have you! Genetics are there for a reason. You’re kids share traits of you because you are their guide. And you are doing a hell of a job.

        And have your pity party. Your feelings are true, valid, and yours. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel. How else could you feel? No mother wants this for her children. But as you said, you can move forward from this strong and ready to find the solutions that work for you and suggestions for them. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  1. This was an unbelievable amazing post with so much honesty and passion! I literally could feel your words deep into my soul! We all struggle and we all at times feel like we are not good enough! I feel that way quite often and even took it so far I said I have MS because i am not a good person and must have done something to deserve it. How crazy to say and think of something so awful?
    I honestly believe you are a WONDERFUL, loving and outstanding mother! You have so much strength, courage, great insight and so much determination! Please never forget how amazing you really are and I feel honored to have to opportunity to get to know you!
    I hope you had a fabulous Mother’s Day! You should be celebrated for the wonderful mother you are and your children are SO lucky to have yo! Much love sweetie!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. ❤️❤️❤️thank you!!!! That means so much to me!!! I know what you mean about how your brain lies with these stories. It’s your fault, you’re terrible, etc. etc. but I think in a lot of ways, the things that knock us around and down are the very things that teach us to keep getting up and see for ourselves how strong we are. You’re making me smile and tear up, I just can’t thank you enough for your kindness, and the feeling is entirely mutual. I love connecting with people who are strong and determined and looking for more than being a victim of circumstance. You’re all those things!!! ❤️❤️❤️ Your journey is very inspirational, and I am thankful you are sharing it.

      Thank you for making my day today! This kind of love and positive feedback is so awesome and please know I send it right back to you!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awe, you are so welcome!! It is wonderful being able to connect with strong and determined people. You are right, those things that knock us down are the same things that give us the strength we have! I have learned so much from the struggles I have dealt with over the years. I often wonder if I would be any different if I had not experienced those struggles.
        I hope your weekend was great and I hope you have a great day!!!

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